So I decided that live-blogging should be a thing for me, so I had a shot of whiskey (Partly for my cough) and settled down to try this. I'm going to live blog a recent Episode of CSI. A little background: this used to be one of my favorite shows in high school. I wanted to be a CSI until I realized how much blood and vomit was involved. No thanks, life. So here we go:
Well for startsies they replaced the original old fun weird guy (Grissom) with the guy from Cheers. They look similar but Cheers boy (Ted? Gonna call him Ted...) is not as quirky. And there's a dead person in a human sized hamster ball. Wacky. Never change, show. Never change.
Oooh but Brass looks old. Like he's been brow beaten with a decade and a half of the same bad scripts for 9 months of the year. I should bake him something. Everyone likes baked goods.
They've also replaced Catherine with an almost identical double who is sadly sans any personality. It's truly a shadow of what it once was. SHOULDN'T HAVE KILLED OF THE SEXY BLACK GUY YOU BASTARDS... Now, where did Greg go? Go ahead and change show.
Oh no... There he is. Greg... In a suit. What in God's name happened to you man? You listened to punk in the lab and had poorly died hair... This is how I imagine my high school reunion going. This is why I won't go to my high school reunion. I don't want to find out Bobby Griffiths is a tax attorney. And his hair is horrible. I'm so disappointed. God damn it Sanders. You done gone corporate.
Cue the crying victim. Also this blonde girl is officially annoying me. And she's only had three lines. This is gonna be a loooooong hour. I'm waiting for blondie to say "Show me on the doll where the bad man hurt you"
There are two blondes in one place. Neither have a personality. I shall call them Blondie the Younger and Blondie the Elder to avoid confusion. Neither of them is Not Catherine. I miss old CSI. Sigh. Also there are many clues but none of them mean anything. DAMN YOU SCIENCE! YOU HAVE FAILED US ALL! Blondie the elder has a delinquent son. Maybe if she wasn't spending her night off working a case... oh well
Ooh we're in the morgue. Save me Hodges.No Hodges, instead we get Not Catherine being dumb as a post. Hamster man was killed in his ball. So many dirty jokes, and yet the writers went for more puns. Where is Sarah?Taking another show of whiskey. For the cold.
Two blondies back with more clues that don't mean anything. Hodges is here. He is also a shell of his former self. I blame the death of the only black character for sucking the soul from this show. Thankfully Hodges has the first relevant clue but it has to do with concrete so I am bored as shit and don't understand why it matters.
Sarah is back. She looks old. I get that this is season 14, but God damn these people make me feel ancient. I wonder if Sarah is to the point of having her checks opened by a special butler the way the guy who created Law & Order does. Sarah has no chemistry with Not Grissom. She's Not Diane, ya know what I'm saying? No? Well they figured out that only one of the victims was on purpose or something. Not sure, I'm busy questioning why time is such a heartless bitch. I loved this show. I watched it obsessively. Much like William Petersen, I have abandoned it heartlessly, but I never expected it to come to this. Tears are coming to my eyes.
Victim blames her ex boyfriend. His name is Jared. He is clearly guilty. Cue trying to prove it for the next 30 minutes. Blondie the Elder is asking stupid questions. Blondie theYounger is about as sensitive as a brick to the nuts. Taking another shot of whiskey. Not for the cold.
Jared is here. He's a fuck-nugget. And guilty. Brass is trying to be ballsy but can't follow through. This makes Blondie the elder contemplate her parenting skills. And then she confronts Evil Jared. Not sure who is the bigger tool in this scene. Probably Jared. He has a stupid face and a sweater vest.
Not Catherine and The-Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Hodges are discussing plants as they relate to the hamster. I am so bored. We've IDed the Vic. He rolled from his house which the plants clearly show. Someone beat him to death THROUGH the hamter ball. This is the first interesting thing we've had on the episode. Also the victim got off on being stuck in small spaces. He's like that creepy kid in Jr. High who used to try to get you to shove him into his own locker cuz "I can totally get myself out, wanna see?" the boredom has set in again. Also this dialogue makes me feel like I've slammed my head into a wall. Repeatedly. And Not Grissom is going through a victims mail. Aaand the package is a dead girl. Well at least I'm no longer bored.
Blondie the Younger can't get a hold of Blondie the Elder and this worries Greg. Corporate Greg. Greg who used to be so cute. They go to Blondie the Elder's house. She's so clearly dead that I feel a little bad that poor B-T-Y is gonna have to find her cold distorted body in a few scenes, probably posed dead and hanging from the Mirage sign. If i'm lucky. Weirdly enough this once concrete related clue only exists one less than a half mile of road in Vegas. I smell lazy writing, even for the monkeys. Also Greg got attacked. Suck it up, he didn't die from getting blown up, so he's basically invincible. Attacker is B-T-E's son, Greg and B-T-Y try to get him not to skip town. Fat chance.
B-T-Y is using technology. Also there's a CSI named Yager who said the words "I'm off carbs till I make CSI 3" I missed the rest of the scene as I was busy throwing up. But now Yager is sticking around for the rest of the episode. B-T-E is dead and her phone is in a trailer park. She's either been eaten by hicks or fed to a band of pigs. Farewell
Girl in the box seems to have mailed herself to hamster boy. Suffocated in transit. This case is suddenly way more boring than the one with the two blondes. Box girl's husband is a rancher. He's also the killer. This case is wrapped up and also super boring. I miss Nick. That's how bad this show has gotten.
I have thirteen minutes left. Someone kill me in a hamster ball. They're dusting a car for prints. I didn't catch who owns the car. I don't much give a shit. Someone named this character Yager. On purpose. Here's what really bugs me, this show was once revolutionary. It took crimes and dissected them like puzzles with interesting a flawed characters who had meaningful talks with each other while they solved crimes. Now it's hollow. As we all will be one day...
Oh God it's back on. Son of B-T-E is guilty of killing his mother. Also he is missing some teeth. I missed that first time round. He's a ginger with fucked up teeth. He's having negative amount of sex. Also he's not really guilty. Figure your shit out show. Taking another shot of whiskey. For the mind numbing terribleness of this show. B-T-E may not be dead. Not to fear, Yager is on the case. Looking manly but doing fuck all when the older blonde is found passed out drunk. Because she read the rest of the script after her fight with Jared the Terrible and just couldn't stand it. Hodges is pulling snot tissues out of a trailer park trash can, Greg has gone corporate, Grissom retired, Warrick is dead. I will never watch this show again. God save these people. The writing sure won't.
Well for startsies they replaced the original old fun weird guy (Grissom) with the guy from Cheers. They look similar but Cheers boy (Ted? Gonna call him Ted...) is not as quirky. And there's a dead person in a human sized hamster ball. Wacky. Never change, show. Never change.
Oooh but Brass looks old. Like he's been brow beaten with a decade and a half of the same bad scripts for 9 months of the year. I should bake him something. Everyone likes baked goods.
They've also replaced Catherine with an almost identical double who is sadly sans any personality. It's truly a shadow of what it once was. SHOULDN'T HAVE KILLED OF THE SEXY BLACK GUY YOU BASTARDS... Now, where did Greg go? Go ahead and change show.
Oh no... There he is. Greg... In a suit. What in God's name happened to you man? You listened to punk in the lab and had poorly died hair... This is how I imagine my high school reunion going. This is why I won't go to my high school reunion. I don't want to find out Bobby Griffiths is a tax attorney. And his hair is horrible. I'm so disappointed. God damn it Sanders. You done gone corporate.
Cue the crying victim. Also this blonde girl is officially annoying me. And she's only had three lines. This is gonna be a loooooong hour. I'm waiting for blondie to say "Show me on the doll where the bad man hurt you"
There are two blondes in one place. Neither have a personality. I shall call them Blondie the Younger and Blondie the Elder to avoid confusion. Neither of them is Not Catherine. I miss old CSI. Sigh. Also there are many clues but none of them mean anything. DAMN YOU SCIENCE! YOU HAVE FAILED US ALL! Blondie the elder has a delinquent son. Maybe if she wasn't spending her night off working a case... oh well
Ooh we're in the morgue. Save me Hodges.No Hodges, instead we get Not Catherine being dumb as a post. Hamster man was killed in his ball. So many dirty jokes, and yet the writers went for more puns. Where is Sarah?Taking another show of whiskey. For the cold.
Two blondies back with more clues that don't mean anything. Hodges is here. He is also a shell of his former self. I blame the death of the only black character for sucking the soul from this show. Thankfully Hodges has the first relevant clue but it has to do with concrete so I am bored as shit and don't understand why it matters.
Sarah is back. She looks old. I get that this is season 14, but God damn these people make me feel ancient. I wonder if Sarah is to the point of having her checks opened by a special butler the way the guy who created Law & Order does. Sarah has no chemistry with Not Grissom. She's Not Diane, ya know what I'm saying? No? Well they figured out that only one of the victims was on purpose or something. Not sure, I'm busy questioning why time is such a heartless bitch. I loved this show. I watched it obsessively. Much like William Petersen, I have abandoned it heartlessly, but I never expected it to come to this. Tears are coming to my eyes.
Victim blames her ex boyfriend. His name is Jared. He is clearly guilty. Cue trying to prove it for the next 30 minutes. Blondie the Elder is asking stupid questions. Blondie theYounger is about as sensitive as a brick to the nuts. Taking another shot of whiskey. Not for the cold.
Jared is here. He's a fuck-nugget. And guilty. Brass is trying to be ballsy but can't follow through. This makes Blondie the elder contemplate her parenting skills. And then she confronts Evil Jared. Not sure who is the bigger tool in this scene. Probably Jared. He has a stupid face and a sweater vest.
Not Catherine and The-Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Hodges are discussing plants as they relate to the hamster. I am so bored. We've IDed the Vic. He rolled from his house which the plants clearly show. Someone beat him to death THROUGH the hamter ball. This is the first interesting thing we've had on the episode. Also the victim got off on being stuck in small spaces. He's like that creepy kid in Jr. High who used to try to get you to shove him into his own locker cuz "I can totally get myself out, wanna see?" the boredom has set in again. Also this dialogue makes me feel like I've slammed my head into a wall. Repeatedly. And Not Grissom is going through a victims mail. Aaand the package is a dead girl. Well at least I'm no longer bored.
Blondie the Younger can't get a hold of Blondie the Elder and this worries Greg. Corporate Greg. Greg who used to be so cute. They go to Blondie the Elder's house. She's so clearly dead that I feel a little bad that poor B-T-Y is gonna have to find her cold distorted body in a few scenes, probably posed dead and hanging from the Mirage sign. If i'm lucky. Weirdly enough this once concrete related clue only exists one less than a half mile of road in Vegas. I smell lazy writing, even for the monkeys. Also Greg got attacked. Suck it up, he didn't die from getting blown up, so he's basically invincible. Attacker is B-T-E's son, Greg and B-T-Y try to get him not to skip town. Fat chance.
B-T-Y is using technology. Also there's a CSI named Yager who said the words "I'm off carbs till I make CSI 3" I missed the rest of the scene as I was busy throwing up. But now Yager is sticking around for the rest of the episode. B-T-E is dead and her phone is in a trailer park. She's either been eaten by hicks or fed to a band of pigs. Farewell
Girl in the box seems to have mailed herself to hamster boy. Suffocated in transit. This case is suddenly way more boring than the one with the two blondes. Box girl's husband is a rancher. He's also the killer. This case is wrapped up and also super boring. I miss Nick. That's how bad this show has gotten.
I have thirteen minutes left. Someone kill me in a hamster ball. They're dusting a car for prints. I didn't catch who owns the car. I don't much give a shit. Someone named this character Yager. On purpose. Here's what really bugs me, this show was once revolutionary. It took crimes and dissected them like puzzles with interesting a flawed characters who had meaningful talks with each other while they solved crimes. Now it's hollow. As we all will be one day...
Oh God it's back on. Son of B-T-E is guilty of killing his mother. Also he is missing some teeth. I missed that first time round. He's a ginger with fucked up teeth. He's having negative amount of sex. Also he's not really guilty. Figure your shit out show. Taking another shot of whiskey. For the mind numbing terribleness of this show. B-T-E may not be dead. Not to fear, Yager is on the case. Looking manly but doing fuck all when the older blonde is found passed out drunk. Because she read the rest of the script after her fight with Jared the Terrible and just couldn't stand it. Hodges is pulling snot tissues out of a trailer park trash can, Greg has gone corporate, Grissom retired, Warrick is dead. I will never watch this show again. God save these people. The writing sure won't.
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