How to Tell if Your Boyfriend is Gay (Written with help from my big sister)

Hello there! Are you a straight woman? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you questioning the legitimacy of your relationship? That's a shame. Maybe you're just a not very trusting person. But maybe you're just not exclusive yet and you're questioning what the status of your relationship is because when you tried to talk to him he was all "We're in a room but the door is open and there's a window but it's propped up a bit and one of us is a walrus and one of us is a cow..." and what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

This is a pickle that many in my family have found ourselves in. Thankfully my sister Caroline has devised  a fool proof test to see if your manly man secretly wants another manly man's penis. If you answer yes to any of these questions, sorry but the guy you are dating is using you for his beard. 

Does he call you "pumkin tits" or "Broadway baby"? 

These are early warning signs

Does he wear pants that flare at the bottom?

If he's not an active member of the mystery gang, these are unacceptable fashion choices.

Can he sing? Like at all?

Does he ask you to stick anything up his butt? 

Even a finger means he's a flaming homo

Does he like "smoothies"?

This unfortunately is a gradated scale. Protein smoothies are ok, but an orange julius is a cry for another man's cock

Do his parents live far away? 

Remember gays are migratory. 

Do his friends call him "Penny"?

Huge hint but surprisingly easy to miss

Does he own a lot of leather jackets or boat shoes? 

Or safari shirts? Or bowties? If yes to any of these you might as well start calling him Liberache 

Does he own a vanity?

Self explanitory

Does he know the words to West Side Story?

Fun fact: gay men will know the lyrics but gay women will not as lesbians don't like musicals. 

Does he wear "Bro tanks"? Or rocker t-shirts? 

AC/DC is the preferred shirt for the gays

Does he wear scarves or a belt? 

Is the belt buckle a penis? Is that penis a big fat one?

Does his license plate say "I heart dicks"?

Does he play any girly sports?

IE ice dancing or water polo

Does he juggle?

On his days off, does he do dudes?

Does he have long hair?

Little known fact: Kurt Cobain, Jon Bon Jovi, and Keith Richards were all gay as they come. Pun intended...

Even if none of these answers are yes if he is a broadway actor or a dancer of any kind, he's probably still gay. 

I hope you've enjoyed this test. Unless it just ended your relationship. Then sorry but also you're welcome

ADDITIONAL NOTE:
I have the whole conversation that this post is based on recorded on my phone because sometimes people think I'm exaggerating when I describe my family. Someday I will figure out how to get it off of my phone and onto this site. It's far too funny not to be shared with the world.