Dear Sir,
I'd like to first note that I didn't adress this to "Dear sir or madam" because, really, let's just be honest with ourselves. Your product, glorious and unintentionally perfect though it may be, is a giant metaphorical penis. A dick. A long shlong. A woman would only have built one of these if it was meant for private activities and had batteries attached. Because we're not hiding anything. You're shamefully trying to pass this particular trouser snake off as a gardening tool.
While I admire your advertising, I have a few problems I wish to bring to your attention. First, you commercial caused me actual physical pain as I stumbled across it while viewing television with my father. I have the twisted sense of humor usually associated with a teenage boy on my best days, but my father (God bless him) only serves to amplify this problem. Between the two of us we made more dirty jokes than a room full of drunk stand up comedians. There was really not a single line in your commercial that didn't have a double entendre built in. So not only did I nearly tear a muscle laughing at your advert, but I fully believe my ability to write comedy was damaged in the process. Jokes are fickle creatures, and it's not good for any humor writer to have so many of them just jump off the screen and metaphorically slap you in the face. These are just some of the shameful lines contained in your commercial:
"Hard to handle, heavy hoses always end up tangled"
"The hose so small it fits in your pocket!"
"Just turn on the water and watch this hose grow and grow to it's giant, full sized length"
"Even Junior can help!"
"It fits in the palm of your hand and grows to be a giant hose"
"Powerful enough for really tough jobs"
"When you turn it off, it goes right back to its tiny size"
"Then, just like magic, it's right back to full size"
"When you're done it practically puts itself away"
Read through this list one more time for me. Can you see where you let things go too far?
Part of me (The same part that loves sugary cereal and believes in the Easter Bunny) wants to believe you did this unintentionally. But the fact of the matter is that you had some poor actor stuck in a voiceover booth, probably for hours, while he read through this torturous script over and over to get the best take. At some point someone, probably the engineer, had to have said "You know it sounds like he's talking about a dick, right?"
But if that weren't enough, we have the "hose" itself. It starts out as a small, shriveled thing until you turn it on. The it fills out and straightens up and shoots water enthusiastically out of its head.
I'd like to first note that I didn't adress this to "Dear sir or madam" because, really, let's just be honest with ourselves. Your product, glorious and unintentionally perfect though it may be, is a giant metaphorical penis. A dick. A long shlong. A woman would only have built one of these if it was meant for private activities and had batteries attached. Because we're not hiding anything. You're shamefully trying to pass this particular trouser snake off as a gardening tool.
"Hard to handle, heavy hoses always end up tangled"
"The hose so small it fits in your pocket!"
"Just turn on the water and watch this hose grow and grow to it's giant, full sized length"
"Even Junior can help!"
"It fits in the palm of your hand and grows to be a giant hose"
"Powerful enough for really tough jobs"
"When you turn it off, it goes right back to its tiny size"
"Then, just like magic, it's right back to full size"
"When you're done it practically puts itself away"
Read through this list one more time for me. Can you see where you let things go too far?
Part of me (The same part that loves sugary cereal and believes in the Easter Bunny) wants to believe you did this unintentionally. But the fact of the matter is that you had some poor actor stuck in a voiceover booth, probably for hours, while he read through this torturous script over and over to get the best take. At some point someone, probably the engineer, had to have said "You know it sounds like he's talking about a dick, right?"
But if that weren't enough, we have the "hose" itself. It starts out as a small, shriveled thing until you turn it on. The it fills out and straightens up and shoots water enthusiastically out of its head.
It's just too much. My only suggestion is that you pull your commercial and rebrand your product. Other wise, you're going to have to man up at some point and admit to someone (Therapist?) that you are clearly overcompensating for a... let's say shortcoming in the trouser snake arena, and you've been treating it by selling house wives and old people tiny green replicas of what could have been.
Sincerly,
Caitlin Kleppinger
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